Removing the negativity (and the last post)

So.. I decided to remove the last post from my blog, because it was just so damn negative.  I realize I have to “move on” so that I can start to live again.  There’s a part of me that died recently, but, I realize that the healing process starts with the first step.

While I don’t think I can feel that way again, I feel like we all make choices in our lives.  Mel has been a blessing to me.  She’s a smart, intelligent, incredible friend.  She’s been there with me this whole week and I decided to ask her to accompany me on my trip this weekend.  It’s always good to have a second opinion.

I don’t know why I’m looking, but I’ve always had a place to escape to and not having a place to escape to is like losing a limb.  I’ve lost my heart, I don’t wanna lose my mind too! hahaha.

I would like to thank everyone for their words of support (you know who you are) and I know this pain too, will pass.  Well.. the pain never leaves you, but you grow numb to it and eventually find the strength to bury it.

I truly thank my friends for the wonderful gift of “the opportunity for love”, but at this point, I’m just not ready.  I don’t know if I ever will.  When I lost my first true love, I never thought I could love again.  It’s been 16 years, and the pain is still there. I’ve learned to move on and recently discovered she is still very much in my heart and with me.  Love is a funny thing.. It truly is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I feel comfortable with that statement no matter how cliche it is.

Mel has been instrumental in helping me start the healing process and I’m going to take her to a place very dear to me this weekend.  I’ve never shared it with anyone (being there alone), but I think I will share it for the first time.. with a friend.

Mel, I know you’re going to read this, but I want you to know that you hold a special place in my heart for all your support through this incredibly rough time for me.  As you know, I’m very outspoken about my feelings and I’m going to emblazen these feelings on the blog here for you.  “I love you for being you.”  I could never have ever started to heal without your support and friendship.  When you found out, you just immediately dropped everything you were doing and came to my aid.  That takes a special person and for that I will remember this forever.

My other friend, Lisa, you’ve been there for me although things didn’t work out between us.  I want you to know that you too hold a special place in my heart.  You’ve shown me how to be a “better” person and taught me a very valuble lesson.  For this, I will never forget you either.  Thank You for being my friend.

My two other friends who prefer not to be named have also been there for me throughout this whole experience.  You’ve supported me, consoled me in a time when I needed it most.  I hope that one day I can repay you.

OK.  Enough of the sappy stuff, I’m happy to report that I have started the process to getting the permits for the expedition.  I need to be certified by the expedition, but this shouldn’t be a problem with all the training and experience I’ve had.  I’ve decided that I’m going to do the climb Alpine Style and Solo.  So I’ll be alone on the trek.  I’m planning on being at the sanctuary two days before my birthday and starting the climb that morning.

I need to work on low oxygen training, so I’ll be doing aerobic exercise using low-oxy gear and extra weights on my arms and legs.  I’m going to do a few free climbs over the next few weeks on the west coast.  It’s been years since I’ve done it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll just fall right back into it.  Like riding a bike.. You never forget.

I need to clear my head and the best way to accomplish this is through physical activity that requires what I call, “Pure Focus”.

More to come, but It should be an interesting few months.